Singals....Being silly...gaydar

I was not in mood for blogging in the last few days. I decided to do nothing and just to relax a little bit.

 

I have been keeping a pretty close distance to my classmate, like sitting next to each other during lectures, listening to him practicing piano, and calling him for nothing. Someone had suggested that I should probably test him in a naughty/ clear way but I don't want to. Because I want to be friend with him and I don't want to ruin all of these.

 

There are a few things I haven't realized until I was chatting with someone who reads my blog. "The classmate" has actually done a few things that brought out some suspicion. For example, two weeks ago when we were at this little Easter group trip, I didn't lock the bathroom door and had shower. He came in without knocking and claimed that he need to grab something. It is actually weird because a normal person would have knocked before getting in. Also, he sometimes makes jokes about me or making comments on some tiny things of mine, such as hair. It could be interpreted as he is noticing me in some way I guess?

 

Anyway, I went to his piano practice and we were alone. He was practicing a music piece for next week's concert. I was listening most of the time until he started to practice on a certain part of the music. I grabbed a book from my bag and started to read. I stopped once a while and looked at him and I realized that he would also look at me while he was playing the piano.

 

After almost two hours of practice, he decided to go back to the dorm and of course we walked to the dorm together, since we live in the same building. I asked him if he had found someone or looking for anyone specific and he said no. Then I asked "Are you looking for a guy then?" He was kind of quite and then I said I wasn't joking and I think it is fine to be gay. He stayed quite and after a few seconds, he said that he doesn't think homosexual is "something right".

 

My gaydar just sucks……. I wish I can tell if he is gay or not.

Signals...That Classmate

It is quite funny that I have never given that classmate a name in this blog. I guess I will just go with "this/that classmate" from now on until I think it is necessary to give him a name.

 

I am getting confused with this classmate because I am not sure if there is really some hidden message in his words or it was just all my imagination. This is not only happen on this classmate but everything I have listened from others, I tend to interpret it in another way or suggest that there is some hidden meaning in it.

 

It could also be true on the other hand. I sounds like I am the only on hidding but of course there is some other folks here who are also hidding.

 

Anyway, a few more things to add here about him

 

1/ We happened to share a room at the trip last weekend.

 

2/ I did something similar to what Chucky had said, I did mentioned my back is kind of sore and asked if he also felt the same. But I didn't say anything about exchanging massage.

 

3/ We went to the hot spring together.

 

4/ He didn't unlock the bathroom door while he was taking shower and I didn't lock the bathroom door. He came in the bathroom without knocking the door and said that he was looking for something, but I suspect that he saw me doing "something else" in the mirror.

 

5/ We went to karaoke with some other classmates during the trip. We played some game and for the one who lose, they have to choose between telling the truth or doing something like a little adventure. I lost and he suggested that the little adventure I have to do is go outside the karaoke and yell out "I'm gay". This is the 2nd time he asked me to do this.

 

 

Signals.....Friends.....Depression

Nothing special about yesterday and today except I had some sudden depression and it kind of ruinned my day. I cannot stop myself from thinking the bad side and I felt bad.

 

Friends, something I would say I don't really have but actually have. (this sounds kind of weird but this is the way I would describe for now)

 

I feel kind of lonely/alone/"alonely" all the time and I realized that I don't really have a friend in college that I can talk about everything. Even I can talk to someone I know about everything, something stopped me from saying how I feel..........

 

I guess my brain sometimes send me depress signals and I will do everything that is corresponding to this signal.

 

 

 

During Easter Holiday

1/ My medication seems to work now. Except I have a small depression a few hours ago.

 

2/ I want a long holiday

 

3/ I realized that I eat a lot recently.

 

4/ One of my roommate played a "video" on his laptop and I just want to make a few comments on this. It is something that strengthens your believe. Seriously, from what I saw from that video, not everyone is gifted to giving good heads. Also, I am more sure about something else.

 

 

Signal....Mother

It is interesting that how I use the word "signal' for the last few posts in my blog and it is true that everything we see, hear, touch could be some sort of signal.

 

Yesterday I had dinner with my mom at a Chinese restaurant. There were some waitress and they are quite young. The one that served the two of us was obviously not much older than me and when my mom asked for the check, she asked the waitress about her age. This is not the first time she asked waitresses about their age, and she tend to ask them everytime when I was there. I guess my mom noticed that I do not look at young waitresses in restaurant, nor any girls on the street.

Signals....Coming Out

Two years ago around this time (to be more accurate, it was March 31, 2007 ), I came out to Chucky and my life is different because I started to know more (recognise) about who I am. It was quite hard to come out to him even though I know he is gay. Sometimes it is hard to say those words out but as I mentioned something similar and more. I guess he already knew what I am going to say. In fact he once told me that he had the feelings that I might be gay before I came out to him. (his gaydar surely works, mine sucks) I guess he probably caught me looking at those cute waiters at different restaurant and so on....

 

I am glad that I did came out to certain people because I no longer feel fear and have someone actually supporting me. Now in college, only one friend of mine know that I am gay and he seems to be quite supportive, I am also glad that I finally told him about this because we had been friends for years. 

 

Last but not least, I would never know who I am if I never met Chucky and Brent Hartinger. (not if I have read his book "Geography Club")