1st Anniversary

Happy Belated Birthday to this blog. I don't even remember that lol

wow, that's a year! a frickin' hard year!

What friends are for?

I have to admit that I was/am being a emo kid and I am trying not to be one anymore. This is obviously one of the reason why people tend to be distance from me. As I try really hard, I found out what a worst person I could be, but I am not talking about this today.

As you can see from above, I named this post " what friends are for? " , and you probably know about how friendless I am. Partly because of being only child I guess?

As I think about it deeper and deeper, I had never been totally a jerk to people around me and I wear a mask in front of people. What people can see is how nice and polite I am, and also seeing me pretend being happy. I don't know why I had been doing this for years.

This is still not what I want to talk, I have been thinking why I don't have any friends to hang out with, even they don't know the mask thing.

Here's the story, I have some "friends" that I would talk to once a while and trying to hang out with them. They are mostly my classmates back in secondary school (grade 11) and we keep in touch after we left school. There's a few of them that I talk to quite often, we mainly talk in msn and also in phone, we talk about many things, mostly daily life.

As we talk more online or in phone, they will then talk about their problems, for example, they had just borken up with a girlfriend, family problem, health problem and maybe money problem too. I was always the one to listen and help them out.

Oh, talking about the helping out thing, I did that a lot for them since we were in the same class. It turned out that they asked me for help everytime they need help.

I am fine with listening to their problems and make them feel better and also helping them out, but here my problem:

Everytime I am having troubles or problems, they rarely listen.

Everytime I want to hang out with them, they made many reasons.

I am tired of this, I am not asking for them paying me anything back, but if we are friends, I wish I will have someone to talk to and to support me just like what friends do.
It sounds like the reason I am in their life is just to solve their problems and a human made record machine.

Seriously V

Today I thought it will be another good day but the truth is it's totally not. I am probably having the worst years in my life. Yes, I am having these emotion thing again and I feel really really bad...

I am very irritated by everything lately. As mentioned a few hours earlier, only a few words can make me depressed or angry.

This is really bad, I want to leave and don't know where to go. I wanna find a few friends to hang out with but no one I can look for.....

I haven't been thinking of this for a long while but now I am thinking maybe I do want to leave.....no home, but the world...

Seriously IV

Seriously, I think I have a big problem here. I have been thinking why I am having these emotional things a lot and I still can't figure it out, it sounds like it's getting more often.

I can be mad at just a little thing and then being pissed for the whole day and I can also be depressed by just something people said and then feeling really really bad. That happened sometimes in the past, and it's getting more frequently.

For example, yesterday morning I was getting newspaper at the store and then I asked for something else. The shop keeper then said something in a cranky way and I was totally pissed.

I have been in quite a ba health condition actually. Haven't been able to sleep well and then wake up in early morning. Then I feel really really sleepy around noon and then can't take a nap.

I wish to talk to someone and everytime I talked to some of my friends, I never talk about the problems I have. I only listen to their problems and I never talk about how much I suffer or what to face. One of the reasons is I do keep too many things inside and I am very very insecure.
Even when I saw my therapy, I want to tell him/her what I have problems with and then I end up not mentioning a word about it.

One of my friend maybe right, he hate to listen to what I have to say about my life. This might be a reason why I don't have many friends to hang out with. The second one will be the insecure thing, I push people of when people started to talk or getting to know me. I had always done something that made distance between people and I.

____________________________________

I was thinking that I should probably see a therapy again and try to OPEN UP and tell him/her what I think even my thoughts and feelings can be totally selfish. Unfortunately, I won't be able to since I am still financially supported by my mother (I am trying to get my coward father away from my life, even still live in the same apartment) and my mother will never let me see a therapy since last time was a big disaster and she has prejudice on therapy and medication.

Then what can I do????

Seriously III

Well, I think I have started to make this like a novel and I have no intention doing this. Anyway, back to the theme.

I do feel better today as I have mentioned this morning. Here's what I had done:

1/ Having a brunch with my grandparents and my cousin (the one who study in New Zealand)

2/ Bringing my cousin to the airport, he has a flight back to New Zealand today.

3/ Wondering around at the airport, checking hot guys there. I did found a few hot guys, one of them is the airport police, they have different uniform and this police I found really really look like an actor from porn LOL

4/ I also check on books and magazine at the bookstore in the airport terminal. There's a few gay magazine and I wish I could buy them except they are too expensive.

5/ I bought myself a few little Japanese toy (how childish) and I have fun buying them.

6/ I went to the supermarket and treat myself and wonderful dinner: a nice sandwich and salad. Also getting a few nice soda and drinks. Paid by the cash coupon I was given many many months ago.

7/ Seeing how food and stuffs are expensive at this supermarket and how people would spend most of their money ther, makes me feel like a 'Marxist' and start hating this "evil capitalism"

Totally exhausted now and My eyes are really dry now.... going to bed soon.

PS> Something about yesterday. I went to this porn store with my cousin and he was picking porn (special gift for his roommates) and I also look at those videos. I was totally turned off by them and I am gay for sure! Actually I helped picking one of the porn :P

Seriously II

Last night I was having such a bad emotional swing. I was triggered by some little thing from my family and then I suddenly cried. I have never done something like this before.

I am gazillion times better than last night. Still, I wish to get away from home.......

Seriously

I know how crazy I am and I know how emotional unstable I am and there's nothing I can really do to make it happen less. I have been trying so hard to make myself calm down and just to relax. In all these years, I have never found myself having any happiness and being good about anything.

There's too many things happened in my family and all these unwanted gossips and craps. I tried to not make myself gay while all my older cousin are dating someone and also pretend to be a good kid of my mom at all time (except a grumpy one). I am really tried of it and I just want to get the hell out of it.

Life isn't good at all in these years. I feel like tortured by some unknown thing and I am always stressed out. I have been thinking maybe I should leave my family and just go somewhere that no one can really check on me. Then I think about suicide and I feel so hurt. I don't want to die because there could be something nice waiting for me but then I found how useless and worthless I am. Maybe I am really tired of it.

Even I am going to college somewhere in Mainland China next month. I am not happy with it at all. It sounds like something fun but for sure I will suffer from another crap and put myself in somewhere humiliating and suffering. As mentioned a few months ago, my parents are getting divorce and they are not settled in anything. This is not really a big thing but then my father was persuaded by his mother to not giving a penny for my living and education. Which means my mom would have to pay for all of it and she/ we are having a really really really big financial problems here. I could work in theory, except I can't work and study at the same time.

Then I have a thought of not going to college. I mean it, I don't even care to go to college, I want the kind of real liberal study that I would read and learn whatever I like and not even affect by grades. Which sounds like what Benjamin Franklin and other great people one did. The problem is that the world only accepted who have graduate degree and without that damn paper you're nothing.

I am also hating myself for millions of thing. I can always do better but I am not doing anything. When I tried my best to do something, no one had ever given me any compliments or recognising it. When I want to do something that sounds working, no one is there to support me, or encourage me. This sounds childish but I never get anything spiritually since my childhood....

About my childhood, not the worst and not expecting it the best, but still there's too many thing happened. My parents worked all day and never have time to hang out with me. The only thing we did is just having maybe a day at a shopping mall or getting a meal at restaurants. It became something like daily life. That is probably why I have such a bad relationship with both of my parents, we never had any talk seriously and then I don't have anyone to talk to and I kept everything inside.

This is not the worst, believe me. I had done nothing and I had been teasing my classmates and even TEACHERS at school. Teachers, especially my class teacher back in 6th grade, always assumed I had done the wrong thing and I am always the one to blame. And why would I be sexually harrassed by a friend of my aunt? This is so unfair.

Being gay is not easy for me at all, I wish to be totally out but then I rather put myself into fear. I want to tell my family but then I rather pretend to be the good (geek) kid and hidding all the things. My mom looks liberal but then something I knew about her past proved that I can not come out to her. I came out to a friend and then he never talked to me. I have only a few friends....

I want to be in a crowd but then I rather alone. I want to be out of fear but then I gave myself a bigger cage. I want to be accepted but I never find a way to accept myself. See! I am totally a freak. I should just leave for somewhere else, but where?

Copy from Cal Queer & Asian

10 Reasons Why Gay Marriage is Wrong

01) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

02) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

03) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

04) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

05) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

06) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

07) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

08) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

09) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

Re-post this if you believe love makes a marriage. PostingID: 102351114

Random

Here's how I start my post when I haven't write for a long time:

I feel so horrible for not updating my blog and I have been busy lately.

This become something like a daily routine, maybe you can call this a daily masturbate style LOL

Anyway, I have been chatting with different people on msn and thank you so much for all these warm regards to my mother and she is doing well. She is now being taken care by my aunt and she don't need to cook for herself.

I am working on cleaning up my room and rearrange all the things in my room but it turn out I had made a huge mess in my room and it will take forever to have it done.

Today I was talking to someone on msn and I feel really sad. I have been quite emotional and iritative lately and then he said something like it's all my fault just want to have a gay friend and it means nothing. He said I was just being shallow to have a gay friend talking about guys. To be honest I do eager for a gay friend, not only just to talk about hot guys we found on the streets but also to support each other.

I hope he still read my blog and see this. I don't know why he is so pissed and then leave ignored me.

I can't sleep well in the past 10 days, I slept at at around 11pm and then I woke up at 6am, then I had a crazy headache after lunch. I wonder what is that mean and maybe I need to see a doctor.

Also, I am quite exhausted in the evening and then I want to sleep, but I just can't sleep. Sometimes I wish to have a nice back massage.

That's all for now.....