Anti-social? or just need to be alone?

I was kind of depressed after my exam today. During the exam period, I realize how some stuffs are just nonsense and they have nothing to do with your life but you just have to take it for the damn 3 credit.

 

As I have said I was (actually still) depressed and want to be not alone, I tried to call a few friends and they are all up to something. Actually I have only called two of them and probably they are the two I would hang out with. What I am saying here is probably "motivated" by my bad mood but I believe it is true. The fact that being the only child of the family do affect me in different ways. I used to being alone, I don't know how to make friends with people, I am always paranoid, I don't think people understands me. All these factors add up together and it made a anti-social or a "me" that have the tendency to be alone+lonely.

 

After all, I just need to not thinking about all these and just be who I am. Now, I am off and I will have dinner with my professor and talk about all kinds of craps and politics.

Don't Ask Don't Tell

I have not written any posts because I have been "studying" for my final exams. Today, something happened and I feel like writting something here.

 

After spending the entire afternoon studying for the exam, a few classmates and I went to a barbeque place for dinner. We had some nice barbequed chicken and other stuffs. On our way back to the campus, someone had brought the gay subject up and talk about how they cannot tolerate homosexual acts between guys and they actually tolerate homosexual activities between women (note: the one who said that is a girl). They more the two girls started to talk about how they cannot stand gay guys and what they thought a gay guy should look like, I feel sad inside. Because I thought they would be gay friendly and as a joke, I am not qualified to be gay because my skin is not very pale and I am not slim etc. etc. etc.........

 

Anyway, what I was trying to say here is even if people ask me about my sexuality, I would not tell them I am gay because I do have low self esteem and to be honest I don't find myself look gay.

 

This is weird but this is also the truth

friends.male friends.boyfriend

I have been slightly depressed recently and it became a daily basis mini depression which it will start in the middle of the day. I tried to find the reason but I can't. What I can remember is everyday before I started to be depressed, I have read some non-homoerotic novels online. I guess this triggered me to feel lonely.

 

I can never stop myself from thinking. I think all the time. What I was thinking today is what do I expect from friends and what kind of friends do I wish to have. Then I started to think why I am so close to some of my male friends and started to think about something else. Have I mixed up male friends and boyfriend? What was/am I thinking?

 

This is confusing!

Signals....Emotions....Depressed feelings

I feel slightly better since I have started medication. I thought this kind of good feeling will keep going on but it doesn't. Recently I feel kind of depressed in a sudden and then suddenly felt not so bad. I was told that this might have to do with the medication because it will speed up the emotional cycle and it also makes you hyper and/or depress all in a sudden.

 

I just knew I have the feeling of something is not going right and sometimes I feel like action and inaction is nothing different. One thing I am sure about is I did gained weight since I have started medication. It seems that I eat more than usual, and I cannot help to stop eating.

 

I have been thinking about all sorts of things (as always), some little thing or nothing triggered me to think about all these. One day, I was thinking what it mean to be gay and of course I have no idea. Then I started to think about what I really expect and want from a guy and I have no idea either. I just know that I love seeing eye candies and some nice stuff and that's all....

 

About this classmate, I found him cuter than before and it is probably because I haven't seen him for a few days. After class and on our way to the cafteria, he saw this sophomore girl and he said that girl is probably one of the cutest in our major, and he wished he could have girl like her to be his girlfriend. This made me think he maybe straight afterall.

 

 

Long weekend in Hong Kong

I had a pretty good weekend in Hong Kong because I was able to have fast internet, looking at random eye candies on the street, and doing something that I have missed. You have to believe me, random eye candies are the best thing. It's available everywhere and most of them just wore simple clothes but they are so damn hot!

 

Some of my friends have put something like "I don't mind fooling around with Mr. Wrong before I find Mr. Right." What do you guys think?