Singals....Being silly...gaydar

I was not in mood for blogging in the last few days. I decided to do nothing and just to relax a little bit.

 

I have been keeping a pretty close distance to my classmate, like sitting next to each other during lectures, listening to him practicing piano, and calling him for nothing. Someone had suggested that I should probably test him in a naughty/ clear way but I don't want to. Because I want to be friend with him and I don't want to ruin all of these.

 

There are a few things I haven't realized until I was chatting with someone who reads my blog. "The classmate" has actually done a few things that brought out some suspicion. For example, two weeks ago when we were at this little Easter group trip, I didn't lock the bathroom door and had shower. He came in without knocking and claimed that he need to grab something. It is actually weird because a normal person would have knocked before getting in. Also, he sometimes makes jokes about me or making comments on some tiny things of mine, such as hair. It could be interpreted as he is noticing me in some way I guess?

 

Anyway, I went to his piano practice and we were alone. He was practicing a music piece for next week's concert. I was listening most of the time until he started to practice on a certain part of the music. I grabbed a book from my bag and started to read. I stopped once a while and looked at him and I realized that he would also look at me while he was playing the piano.

 

After almost two hours of practice, he decided to go back to the dorm and of course we walked to the dorm together, since we live in the same building. I asked him if he had found someone or looking for anyone specific and he said no. Then I asked "Are you looking for a guy then?" He was kind of quite and then I said I wasn't joking and I think it is fine to be gay. He stayed quite and after a few seconds, he said that he doesn't think homosexual is "something right".

 

My gaydar just sucks……. I wish I can tell if he is gay or not.

Signals...That Classmate

It is quite funny that I have never given that classmate a name in this blog. I guess I will just go with "this/that classmate" from now on until I think it is necessary to give him a name.

 

I am getting confused with this classmate because I am not sure if there is really some hidden message in his words or it was just all my imagination. This is not only happen on this classmate but everything I have listened from others, I tend to interpret it in another way or suggest that there is some hidden meaning in it.

 

It could also be true on the other hand. I sounds like I am the only on hidding but of course there is some other folks here who are also hidding.

 

Anyway, a few more things to add here about him

 

1/ We happened to share a room at the trip last weekend.

 

2/ I did something similar to what Chucky had said, I did mentioned my back is kind of sore and asked if he also felt the same. But I didn't say anything about exchanging massage.

 

3/ We went to the hot spring together.

 

4/ He didn't unlock the bathroom door while he was taking shower and I didn't lock the bathroom door. He came in the bathroom without knocking the door and said that he was looking for something, but I suspect that he saw me doing "something else" in the mirror.

 

5/ We went to karaoke with some other classmates during the trip. We played some game and for the one who lose, they have to choose between telling the truth or doing something like a little adventure. I lost and he suggested that the little adventure I have to do is go outside the karaoke and yell out "I'm gay". This is the 2nd time he asked me to do this.

 

 

Signals.....Friends.....Depression

Nothing special about yesterday and today except I had some sudden depression and it kind of ruinned my day. I cannot stop myself from thinking the bad side and I felt bad.

 

Friends, something I would say I don't really have but actually have. (this sounds kind of weird but this is the way I would describe for now)

 

I feel kind of lonely/alone/"alonely" all the time and I realized that I don't really have a friend in college that I can talk about everything. Even I can talk to someone I know about everything, something stopped me from saying how I feel..........

 

I guess my brain sometimes send me depress signals and I will do everything that is corresponding to this signal.

 

 

 

During Easter Holiday

1/ My medication seems to work now. Except I have a small depression a few hours ago.

 

2/ I want a long holiday

 

3/ I realized that I eat a lot recently.

 

4/ One of my roommate played a "video" on his laptop and I just want to make a few comments on this. It is something that strengthens your believe. Seriously, from what I saw from that video, not everyone is gifted to giving good heads. Also, I am more sure about something else.

 

 

Signal....Mother

It is interesting that how I use the word "signal' for the last few posts in my blog and it is true that everything we see, hear, touch could be some sort of signal.

 

Yesterday I had dinner with my mom at a Chinese restaurant. There were some waitress and they are quite young. The one that served the two of us was obviously not much older than me and when my mom asked for the check, she asked the waitress about her age. This is not the first time she asked waitresses about their age, and she tend to ask them everytime when I was there. I guess my mom noticed that I do not look at young waitresses in restaurant, nor any girls on the street.

Signals....Coming Out

Two years ago around this time (to be more accurate, it was March 31, 2007 ), I came out to Chucky and my life is different because I started to know more (recognise) about who I am. It was quite hard to come out to him even though I know he is gay. Sometimes it is hard to say those words out but as I mentioned something similar and more. I guess he already knew what I am going to say. In fact he once told me that he had the feelings that I might be gay before I came out to him. (his gaydar surely works, mine sucks) I guess he probably caught me looking at those cute waiters at different restaurant and so on....

 

I am glad that I did came out to certain people because I no longer feel fear and have someone actually supporting me. Now in college, only one friend of mine know that I am gay and he seems to be quite supportive, I am also glad that I finally told him about this because we had been friends for years. 

 

Last but not least, I would never know who I am if I never met Chucky and Brent Hartinger. (not if I have read his book "Geography Club")

Signals...medication

1/ I haven't talked much about my medication, because I don't know how to express things about this. One thing for sure is that there is some side effects and the most obvious one is being sleepy. I just want to sleep and do nothing. I told my doctor about this last time and he said things will get better once I get used to the medication.

 

2/ About my classmate ( I know it's him again but I want to talk about him), he would also ask me to check his assignments.( I have just checked his English assignment this morning) I remember last week he saw me in the dormitory building, he stopped and talked to me. Then I remember he said his roommates were out of town, he also said that I should stop by sometime. I didn't hear that "I should stop by sometime" well so I asked him to say that again, and he said "you know, stop by sometimes and chat".

 

Tonight I stopped by his dorm room not just for seeing him but also to ask for some information on the school activity that we are organizing. He made a joke about me again while I was trying to tell him my work.

Signals, intention......

1/ My classmates has asked me about "why I don't have a girlfriend" or "am I looking for one". I just said it is not the time yet. I don't know what he means but I guess he is trying to find something out? Then I have threw him back the same question and he said he is looking for one but just haven't found one yet. I am not sure what is this all about. But just funny to have him around.

 

2/ Signals remind me of the movie "He's just not that into you" (I haven't watched that yet). I more remember the episode from Sex and the City. What I want to say is that maybe I intent to get closer to him, and he is just being friendly, and I took those friendly acts as signals.

 

 

Signals

Seriously I have no idea who is actually my reader but I should not care about this so much.

 

I am confused about signs that I have picked up from people around me. I am not sure if it is just because I am paranoid or it is really some signs.

 

A classmate of mine here is pretty interesting:

 

1/ He would ask me if I want to go to toilet with me, basically he said something like "go to the bathroom with me"

2/ After class, he would say something like " where are you going"

3/ He would also say things like " go to the dorm with me", btw, we live in the same block

4/ He would also suggest something like going to the library with him or have dinner earlier

 

This is quite interesting. I have no idea what these could mean...........

 

 

Reasons why I deserve to be pathetic

1/ boring

2/ arrogant

3/ a jerk

4/ never consider others' feelings

5/ pretend to be nice

6/ evil

7/ ugly

8/ pretend to be smart

9/ never really be friendly to people

10/ can't stop myself from being pathetic

Love....Sex.....mixed feelings

I don't know what to say exactly but surely many of you guys have thought of it or at least know someone who has this kind of problem, or at least you remember some movie was all about this.

 

Sexuality, or sexual orientation is really about sex. I mean we are attrached by same or another gender or sometimes both. But then how do we know that? I know how we will know about this. One thing for sure is your preference of porn. What kind of porn you watch certainly make this clear. But what if you are turned on by both? Then how do you know?

 

I have read some books and articles and they also said sexuality is about what gender you are sexually and emotionally attracted to. Then I can't stop myself to think, am I really emotionally attracted to guy? (Sorry if it seems to look like a statement from Sex and the City lol)

 

Seriously, most homosexuals only talk about sex but never talk about emotions or other stuffs. For me, I am not sure but it seems that I am emotionally attracted to some girls as well as guys.Then what should I say?

 

This is weird. I wonder what you guys think about this? Leave comments here or send me an e-mail!

 

PS. I have to believe that no one really read my blog since there's no nice picture in it.

 

 

First week on medication

I have started medication last week, it is all about my emotional swing and also some weird things. The side effects are quite obvious and I get high easily and also getting tired easily. Nothing much have came to my mind, except maybe a few things about friends and relationship.

 

 

Move your lazy ass

Sometimes you know what is good for you and what you should do but you just never move your lazy ass.

I am talking about plans that I have never made it happen, such as working out everyday, or like taking a long walk or doing some sports, reading more books and interesting thing.............................................. ~'~

Question for the day.

Here's the question. You will know it better if you have ever watched the TV show from Fox called HOUSE md.

 

Would you rather be treated by a doctor who is an asshole like Greg House or something that treat you like a person as Cameron or 13?

 

Comments needed! :)

Life is sometimes so f#*king

I don't know what to say but sometimes you can be situated in a crossroads in a sudden.

 

I don't feel like writing a lot tonight. I am tired, depressed, and just want to be somewhere else.

 

This is just a meaningless update and I promise I will write more about what happened this weekend.

Long Time No Post

I received an e-mail from someone who found my blog while searching for pictures of cute guys. After reading his message, I just realised I haven't been writing anything in this blog for a longgggggggggg time. So I decided I would write something here today.

 

1/ I am doing fine now (by now I mean at this moment, the moment I am writing this post)

 

2/ My mom is getting better but still feels kind of tired and exhausted all the time. Also, I haven't seen her for more than a month.

 

3/ I have been seeing a school counselor and I just talked to her about my depression and all sorts of thing. Yes! and I also came out to her and I will probably tell more about how I feel about this.

 

4/ I had a meeting with a psychiatrist who makes regular visits to our college. I talked to her and my school counselor also joined the conversation. We have just realised I might have something called bipolar and I might have to start medication. The past medication is not helping because the diagnosis was wrong.

 

5/ Classes are great, and interesting. Except sometimes I feel tired for no reasons and I am not showing any interests in anything......

 

6/ I have been thinking I should restart this blog. What do you think?

 

7/ I started to check out cute guys on the streets or in the campus. By this I mean I will find or suddenly spot some eye candies and just enjoy looking at them.

 

8/ I don't know why I have a feeling of drinking some wine. I did and it is probably not good for me. Since I might have bipolar or other stuffs and alcohol is gonna screw me up.

 

9/ I now have problems dealing with others. I wonder if it has anything to do with my emotional swing.

 

10/ I have watched the first and second season of the British TV drama- Skins. The first season was great. Mitch Hewer is cute lol

 

11/ Oh! I also came out to my only friend in Hong Kong. He seems to be fine about this but we haven't talked after I came out to him.

 

12/ I miss a bunches of things. It has to do with my high school exchange year.

 

13/ Does anyone really have a gaydar that works well?

 

14/ I have been thinking about traveling everyday, and I don't know why.

 

15/ I don't know what to say, let's make an end here. I hope to receive some feedback!

This blog is.........

Is this blog haunted or what? Sorry that I can't tell you because I
have been busy about school works and never thought of writing a few
post in this blog. Even if I wanted to, I don't know what to talk
about.

A few things I can think of right now:

1/ Andrew at Desperate Housewives finally has a boyfriend and it was cool.

2/ Even number "13" at HOUSE is cruising at bars and bringing girls
home. I remember that actress was acting as a lesbian at The O.C.

3/ I don't know why, but this month has been a "gay" month for me so
far. My classmates at college are talking about gay people on facebook
and sharing pictures of cute guys and all sorts of thing.........

That's all.

Hottie and the City

I am back to Hong Kong for Christmas holiday. It is great to be home
again even though there is not much to do.

Yesterday I went to Causeway Bay and had dinner. It was so crowded and
I have never seen that for ages! There are many hotties in the streets
as well. I saw the same hot guy for twice, I also saw someone look
like Christiano Ronaldo at a deli store.

Talking about the deli store, it is one of my favorite place for
window shopping. I love the food, wine and most thing around there but
I will not buy anything there...

My classmates are coming and I will probably hang out with them a
little bit and also find some eye candy in the streets ;)

Damn!

What happened? I can't believe all these.

 

Today I made a girl cry, and this is not really the point. I said something not personal but related to what she did and then she cried.

 

Why is that bothering me? First of all it is me saying those bad thing and this unhappy situation made her cry.

 

And then it wasn't just because of making her cry bothers me, but also the fact that this girl is different.

 

This girl once asked me my point of view on boy-girl relationships and also asked if I want a girlfriend.

 

She also told me that I am interesting.

 

And she also look at me and smile and made me feel that she is interested in me.

 

She is also amazing and cute, I guess I am interested in her.

 

WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO???

Teaching Assistants

I have mentioned earlier here that there will be around 20 teaching assistants from the US coming to our college and most of them have arrived last week. I met a few of them today and it was pretty cool. It's fun to have these people around because they are all eye candies :P (yummy) . I happen to find one of this guy attractive, and has really nice eyes.....

 

As you all know, there's a research saying that 10% of people are homosexual so I suppose 2 of them there is gay.

 

oooohhh.... it's gonna be interesting now!