Don't Ask Don't Tell

I have not written any posts because I have been "studying" for my final exams. Today, something happened and I feel like writting something here.

 

After spending the entire afternoon studying for the exam, a few classmates and I went to a barbeque place for dinner. We had some nice barbequed chicken and other stuffs. On our way back to the campus, someone had brought the gay subject up and talk about how they cannot tolerate homosexual acts between guys and they actually tolerate homosexual activities between women (note: the one who said that is a girl). They more the two girls started to talk about how they cannot stand gay guys and what they thought a gay guy should look like, I feel sad inside. Because I thought they would be gay friendly and as a joke, I am not qualified to be gay because my skin is not very pale and I am not slim etc. etc. etc.........

 

Anyway, what I was trying to say here is even if people ask me about my sexuality, I would not tell them I am gay because I do have low self esteem and to be honest I don't find myself look gay.

 

This is weird but this is also the truth

friends.male friends.boyfriend

I have been slightly depressed recently and it became a daily basis mini depression which it will start in the middle of the day. I tried to find the reason but I can't. What I can remember is everyday before I started to be depressed, I have read some non-homoerotic novels online. I guess this triggered me to feel lonely.

 

I can never stop myself from thinking. I think all the time. What I was thinking today is what do I expect from friends and what kind of friends do I wish to have. Then I started to think why I am so close to some of my male friends and started to think about something else. Have I mixed up male friends and boyfriend? What was/am I thinking?

 

This is confusing!

Signals....Emotions....Depressed feelings

I feel slightly better since I have started medication. I thought this kind of good feeling will keep going on but it doesn't. Recently I feel kind of depressed in a sudden and then suddenly felt not so bad. I was told that this might have to do with the medication because it will speed up the emotional cycle and it also makes you hyper and/or depress all in a sudden.

 

I just knew I have the feeling of something is not going right and sometimes I feel like action and inaction is nothing different. One thing I am sure about is I did gained weight since I have started medication. It seems that I eat more than usual, and I cannot help to stop eating.

 

I have been thinking about all sorts of things (as always), some little thing or nothing triggered me to think about all these. One day, I was thinking what it mean to be gay and of course I have no idea. Then I started to think about what I really expect and want from a guy and I have no idea either. I just know that I love seeing eye candies and some nice stuff and that's all....

 

About this classmate, I found him cuter than before and it is probably because I haven't seen him for a few days. After class and on our way to the cafteria, he saw this sophomore girl and he said that girl is probably one of the cutest in our major, and he wished he could have girl like her to be his girlfriend. This made me think he maybe straight afterall.

 

 

Long weekend in Hong Kong

I had a pretty good weekend in Hong Kong because I was able to have fast internet, looking at random eye candies on the street, and doing something that I have missed. You have to believe me, random eye candies are the best thing. It's available everywhere and most of them just wore simple clothes but they are so damn hot!

 

Some of my friends have put something like "I don't mind fooling around with Mr. Wrong before I find Mr. Right." What do you guys think?

Singals....Being silly...gaydar

I was not in mood for blogging in the last few days. I decided to do nothing and just to relax a little bit.

 

I have been keeping a pretty close distance to my classmate, like sitting next to each other during lectures, listening to him practicing piano, and calling him for nothing. Someone had suggested that I should probably test him in a naughty/ clear way but I don't want to. Because I want to be friend with him and I don't want to ruin all of these.

 

There are a few things I haven't realized until I was chatting with someone who reads my blog. "The classmate" has actually done a few things that brought out some suspicion. For example, two weeks ago when we were at this little Easter group trip, I didn't lock the bathroom door and had shower. He came in without knocking and claimed that he need to grab something. It is actually weird because a normal person would have knocked before getting in. Also, he sometimes makes jokes about me or making comments on some tiny things of mine, such as hair. It could be interpreted as he is noticing me in some way I guess?

 

Anyway, I went to his piano practice and we were alone. He was practicing a music piece for next week's concert. I was listening most of the time until he started to practice on a certain part of the music. I grabbed a book from my bag and started to read. I stopped once a while and looked at him and I realized that he would also look at me while he was playing the piano.

 

After almost two hours of practice, he decided to go back to the dorm and of course we walked to the dorm together, since we live in the same building. I asked him if he had found someone or looking for anyone specific and he said no. Then I asked "Are you looking for a guy then?" He was kind of quite and then I said I wasn't joking and I think it is fine to be gay. He stayed quite and after a few seconds, he said that he doesn't think homosexual is "something right".

 

My gaydar just sucks……. I wish I can tell if he is gay or not.

Signals...That Classmate

It is quite funny that I have never given that classmate a name in this blog. I guess I will just go with "this/that classmate" from now on until I think it is necessary to give him a name.

 

I am getting confused with this classmate because I am not sure if there is really some hidden message in his words or it was just all my imagination. This is not only happen on this classmate but everything I have listened from others, I tend to interpret it in another way or suggest that there is some hidden meaning in it.

 

It could also be true on the other hand. I sounds like I am the only on hidding but of course there is some other folks here who are also hidding.

 

Anyway, a few more things to add here about him

 

1/ We happened to share a room at the trip last weekend.

 

2/ I did something similar to what Chucky had said, I did mentioned my back is kind of sore and asked if he also felt the same. But I didn't say anything about exchanging massage.

 

3/ We went to the hot spring together.

 

4/ He didn't unlock the bathroom door while he was taking shower and I didn't lock the bathroom door. He came in the bathroom without knocking the door and said that he was looking for something, but I suspect that he saw me doing "something else" in the mirror.

 

5/ We went to karaoke with some other classmates during the trip. We played some game and for the one who lose, they have to choose between telling the truth or doing something like a little adventure. I lost and he suggested that the little adventure I have to do is go outside the karaoke and yell out "I'm gay". This is the 2nd time he asked me to do this.

 

 

Signals.....Friends.....Depression

Nothing special about yesterday and today except I had some sudden depression and it kind of ruinned my day. I cannot stop myself from thinking the bad side and I felt bad.

 

Friends, something I would say I don't really have but actually have. (this sounds kind of weird but this is the way I would describe for now)

 

I feel kind of lonely/alone/"alonely" all the time and I realized that I don't really have a friend in college that I can talk about everything. Even I can talk to someone I know about everything, something stopped me from saying how I feel..........

 

I guess my brain sometimes send me depress signals and I will do everything that is corresponding to this signal.

 

 

 

During Easter Holiday

1/ My medication seems to work now. Except I have a small depression a few hours ago.

 

2/ I want a long holiday

 

3/ I realized that I eat a lot recently.

 

4/ One of my roommate played a "video" on his laptop and I just want to make a few comments on this. It is something that strengthens your believe. Seriously, from what I saw from that video, not everyone is gifted to giving good heads. Also, I am more sure about something else.

 

 

Signal....Mother

It is interesting that how I use the word "signal' for the last few posts in my blog and it is true that everything we see, hear, touch could be some sort of signal.

 

Yesterday I had dinner with my mom at a Chinese restaurant. There were some waitress and they are quite young. The one that served the two of us was obviously not much older than me and when my mom asked for the check, she asked the waitress about her age. This is not the first time she asked waitresses about their age, and she tend to ask them everytime when I was there. I guess my mom noticed that I do not look at young waitresses in restaurant, nor any girls on the street.

Signals....Coming Out

Two years ago around this time (to be more accurate, it was March 31, 2007 ), I came out to Chucky and my life is different because I started to know more (recognise) about who I am. It was quite hard to come out to him even though I know he is gay. Sometimes it is hard to say those words out but as I mentioned something similar and more. I guess he already knew what I am going to say. In fact he once told me that he had the feelings that I might be gay before I came out to him. (his gaydar surely works, mine sucks) I guess he probably caught me looking at those cute waiters at different restaurant and so on....

 

I am glad that I did came out to certain people because I no longer feel fear and have someone actually supporting me. Now in college, only one friend of mine know that I am gay and he seems to be quite supportive, I am also glad that I finally told him about this because we had been friends for years. 

 

Last but not least, I would never know who I am if I never met Chucky and Brent Hartinger. (not if I have read his book "Geography Club")

Signals...medication

1/ I haven't talked much about my medication, because I don't know how to express things about this. One thing for sure is that there is some side effects and the most obvious one is being sleepy. I just want to sleep and do nothing. I told my doctor about this last time and he said things will get better once I get used to the medication.

 

2/ About my classmate ( I know it's him again but I want to talk about him), he would also ask me to check his assignments.( I have just checked his English assignment this morning) I remember last week he saw me in the dormitory building, he stopped and talked to me. Then I remember he said his roommates were out of town, he also said that I should stop by sometime. I didn't hear that "I should stop by sometime" well so I asked him to say that again, and he said "you know, stop by sometimes and chat".

 

Tonight I stopped by his dorm room not just for seeing him but also to ask for some information on the school activity that we are organizing. He made a joke about me again while I was trying to tell him my work.

Signals, intention......

1/ My classmates has asked me about "why I don't have a girlfriend" or "am I looking for one". I just said it is not the time yet. I don't know what he means but I guess he is trying to find something out? Then I have threw him back the same question and he said he is looking for one but just haven't found one yet. I am not sure what is this all about. But just funny to have him around.

 

2/ Signals remind me of the movie "He's just not that into you" (I haven't watched that yet). I more remember the episode from Sex and the City. What I want to say is that maybe I intent to get closer to him, and he is just being friendly, and I took those friendly acts as signals.

 

 

Signals

Seriously I have no idea who is actually my reader but I should not care about this so much.

 

I am confused about signs that I have picked up from people around me. I am not sure if it is just because I am paranoid or it is really some signs.

 

A classmate of mine here is pretty interesting:

 

1/ He would ask me if I want to go to toilet with me, basically he said something like "go to the bathroom with me"

2/ After class, he would say something like " where are you going"

3/ He would also say things like " go to the dorm with me", btw, we live in the same block

4/ He would also suggest something like going to the library with him or have dinner earlier

 

This is quite interesting. I have no idea what these could mean...........

 

 

Reasons why I deserve to be pathetic

1/ boring

2/ arrogant

3/ a jerk

4/ never consider others' feelings

5/ pretend to be nice

6/ evil

7/ ugly

8/ pretend to be smart

9/ never really be friendly to people

10/ can't stop myself from being pathetic

Love....Sex.....mixed feelings

I don't know what to say exactly but surely many of you guys have thought of it or at least know someone who has this kind of problem, or at least you remember some movie was all about this.

 

Sexuality, or sexual orientation is really about sex. I mean we are attrached by same or another gender or sometimes both. But then how do we know that? I know how we will know about this. One thing for sure is your preference of porn. What kind of porn you watch certainly make this clear. But what if you are turned on by both? Then how do you know?

 

I have read some books and articles and they also said sexuality is about what gender you are sexually and emotionally attracted to. Then I can't stop myself to think, am I really emotionally attracted to guy? (Sorry if it seems to look like a statement from Sex and the City lol)

 

Seriously, most homosexuals only talk about sex but never talk about emotions or other stuffs. For me, I am not sure but it seems that I am emotionally attracted to some girls as well as guys.Then what should I say?

 

This is weird. I wonder what you guys think about this? Leave comments here or send me an e-mail!

 

PS. I have to believe that no one really read my blog since there's no nice picture in it.

 

 

First week on medication

I have started medication last week, it is all about my emotional swing and also some weird things. The side effects are quite obvious and I get high easily and also getting tired easily. Nothing much have came to my mind, except maybe a few things about friends and relationship.

 

 

Move your lazy ass

Sometimes you know what is good for you and what you should do but you just never move your lazy ass.

I am talking about plans that I have never made it happen, such as working out everyday, or like taking a long walk or doing some sports, reading more books and interesting thing.............................................. ~'~

Question for the day.

Here's the question. You will know it better if you have ever watched the TV show from Fox called HOUSE md.

 

Would you rather be treated by a doctor who is an asshole like Greg House or something that treat you like a person as Cameron or 13?

 

Comments needed! :)

Life is sometimes so f#*king

I don't know what to say but sometimes you can be situated in a crossroads in a sudden.

 

I don't feel like writing a lot tonight. I am tired, depressed, and just want to be somewhere else.

 

This is just a meaningless update and I promise I will write more about what happened this weekend.

Long Time No Post

I received an e-mail from someone who found my blog while searching for pictures of cute guys. After reading his message, I just realised I haven't been writing anything in this blog for a longgggggggggg time. So I decided I would write something here today.

 

1/ I am doing fine now (by now I mean at this moment, the moment I am writing this post)

 

2/ My mom is getting better but still feels kind of tired and exhausted all the time. Also, I haven't seen her for more than a month.

 

3/ I have been seeing a school counselor and I just talked to her about my depression and all sorts of thing. Yes! and I also came out to her and I will probably tell more about how I feel about this.

 

4/ I had a meeting with a psychiatrist who makes regular visits to our college. I talked to her and my school counselor also joined the conversation. We have just realised I might have something called bipolar and I might have to start medication. The past medication is not helping because the diagnosis was wrong.

 

5/ Classes are great, and interesting. Except sometimes I feel tired for no reasons and I am not showing any interests in anything......

 

6/ I have been thinking I should restart this blog. What do you think?

 

7/ I started to check out cute guys on the streets or in the campus. By this I mean I will find or suddenly spot some eye candies and just enjoy looking at them.

 

8/ I don't know why I have a feeling of drinking some wine. I did and it is probably not good for me. Since I might have bipolar or other stuffs and alcohol is gonna screw me up.

 

9/ I now have problems dealing with others. I wonder if it has anything to do with my emotional swing.

 

10/ I have watched the first and second season of the British TV drama- Skins. The first season was great. Mitch Hewer is cute lol

 

11/ Oh! I also came out to my only friend in Hong Kong. He seems to be fine about this but we haven't talked after I came out to him.

 

12/ I miss a bunches of things. It has to do with my high school exchange year.

 

13/ Does anyone really have a gaydar that works well?

 

14/ I have been thinking about traveling everyday, and I don't know why.

 

15/ I don't know what to say, let's make an end here. I hope to receive some feedback!