Something about the past few weeks

1/ I came out to my mom after something terrible happened, (and I am not going to talk about that) my mom was supportive and doesn't think that being gay is a problem.

 

2/ I found out that my high school friend is gay and he told me there's at least 5 gay people in our class. That means there's 5 gay boys in a class of 36.

 

3/ I don't feel like blogging. I mean I don't really like writing and I don't have anything to write/ talk about.

 

 

Back in HK

I am back in Hong Kong and I really miss Thailand. I miss the blue sky, good food, fresh fruit, beautiful beach and places, and cute guys in Thailand. I wish I can go to Thailand again next year, and hopefully I can go to Bangkok and Chiang Mai.

damn it!

My laptop is borken and I don't have enough money to buy a new one. This is bad

Finally, there's some eye candies

Today I have spent the entire day walking around with 3 friends. We took tons of pictures. We also went into many shops and wish to buy some souvenirs but they are way to expensive or the quality of those souvenirs are not good enough.

 

As I walked on the street, I finally found a few cute Thai guys and also some cute tourist. I found this one with a tank top and shorts, wearing a back pack. This guy wears glasses and I think he looks cute. You might be surprised to know this but sometimes guys as geeky and this guy that I found is actually cute, I just can't tell you why.

 

My friends and I end up walking to the red light district and we saw lots of hookers sitting at the bar waiting for customers. Suddenly, a guy come to me and show me a little book. Ok, you're not gonna believe this. What he had showed me is a some straight porn catalogue and a sex show program. What's in that sex show program? Well, there's show about a woman putting ping pong balls in her "wee-wee" and shoot it out. There's also some shows about women putting all kinds of thing in there's "wee-wees" and do something like smoking. Anyway, pussies are gross!

 

There are many stores on the street selling porno and I realized they actually have gay porn. I don't know how much it cost but probably they are over-priced.

Ai-Kaendi

Well, I have just talked to Chucky and then he mentioned eye candy. This is something I am not sure because I didn't get to see much around Thailand yet.

 

This is not fair, in many gay websites, Asian eye candies are usually from Thailand and now I haven't really seen one.

Sawadee Krub!

Hello everyone,

 

I am now in Thailand and that means I have just started my voluntary trip here. It is pretty good so far.

The weather here is pretty good and actually I think it is not that hot.

 

It would be lovely to see some eye candies on the streets :)

 

 

 

____________________________________

 

Hey Vinh,

 

Thanks for leaving comments. What makes you think I am not lonely?

Write me an e-mail if you could.

 

What can I see from myself in the next 5-10 years

Today I met a guy and we had a drink. We have talked quite a lot. He is 34 and pretty good looking. The more I talked to him, the more I started to think about what can I see from myself in the next 5-10 years. After half a mintue, I cannot answer this question. I would say it is because I don't really have a plan on what I want to do or what I want to be. (Even being myself is hard because I have trouble identifying who I am)

 

This guy seems to have a decent life and he basically got all he needs, it is kind of hard to believe that he is still single.

Quick Update II

One day I was talking to a friend and I was telling him there was not much to do this summer. Guess what he said? He said I should get more laid.

 

Everyone is slutty inside but I don't want to be that slutty. It's not like I don't want to get laid but given the fact on how I look, people don't really want to.

 

I have met quite a lot friends online and they/ we sugguested to meet for fun, and we sort of exchange pics. They were fine about how I look and sometimes even gave comments like good lips or look cute etc... The only thing is my body shape.

 

No wonder why I so fuckin' hate myself. Yesterday I was trying to get some new clothes and many also a few pairs of trousers and I got nothing. Because I am way to fat.

 

Well, one thing I can blame on is my medication because my appetite has changed since I had started on medication.

 

Anyway, rather than just complaining about all these. I should be doing something.

 

 

Quick Update

I am now basically having my summer vacation and it is boring here. Anyway, I am doing pretty well and I try to make myself to think about the good side.

 

Here's a story I want to tell you guys and I hope some of you would leave comments.

 

A and B have been chatting online for months:

 

B: Should we go on a date.....like a movie?

 

A: Well.....Tim, you have a good personality but I can't really date you. Maybe I will date you if you are much slimmer.

 

Asumme that both A and B are gay guys. What would you say about A?

Anti-social? or just need to be alone?

I was kind of depressed after my exam today. During the exam period, I realize how some stuffs are just nonsense and they have nothing to do with your life but you just have to take it for the damn 3 credit.

 

As I have said I was (actually still) depressed and want to be not alone, I tried to call a few friends and they are all up to something. Actually I have only called two of them and probably they are the two I would hang out with. What I am saying here is probably "motivated" by my bad mood but I believe it is true. The fact that being the only child of the family do affect me in different ways. I used to being alone, I don't know how to make friends with people, I am always paranoid, I don't think people understands me. All these factors add up together and it made a anti-social or a "me" that have the tendency to be alone+lonely.

 

After all, I just need to not thinking about all these and just be who I am. Now, I am off and I will have dinner with my professor and talk about all kinds of craps and politics.

Don't Ask Don't Tell

I have not written any posts because I have been "studying" for my final exams. Today, something happened and I feel like writting something here.

 

After spending the entire afternoon studying for the exam, a few classmates and I went to a barbeque place for dinner. We had some nice barbequed chicken and other stuffs. On our way back to the campus, someone had brought the gay subject up and talk about how they cannot tolerate homosexual acts between guys and they actually tolerate homosexual activities between women (note: the one who said that is a girl). They more the two girls started to talk about how they cannot stand gay guys and what they thought a gay guy should look like, I feel sad inside. Because I thought they would be gay friendly and as a joke, I am not qualified to be gay because my skin is not very pale and I am not slim etc. etc. etc.........

 

Anyway, what I was trying to say here is even if people ask me about my sexuality, I would not tell them I am gay because I do have low self esteem and to be honest I don't find myself look gay.

 

This is weird but this is also the truth

friends.male friends.boyfriend

I have been slightly depressed recently and it became a daily basis mini depression which it will start in the middle of the day. I tried to find the reason but I can't. What I can remember is everyday before I started to be depressed, I have read some non-homoerotic novels online. I guess this triggered me to feel lonely.

 

I can never stop myself from thinking. I think all the time. What I was thinking today is what do I expect from friends and what kind of friends do I wish to have. Then I started to think why I am so close to some of my male friends and started to think about something else. Have I mixed up male friends and boyfriend? What was/am I thinking?

 

This is confusing!

Signals....Emotions....Depressed feelings

I feel slightly better since I have started medication. I thought this kind of good feeling will keep going on but it doesn't. Recently I feel kind of depressed in a sudden and then suddenly felt not so bad. I was told that this might have to do with the medication because it will speed up the emotional cycle and it also makes you hyper and/or depress all in a sudden.

 

I just knew I have the feeling of something is not going right and sometimes I feel like action and inaction is nothing different. One thing I am sure about is I did gained weight since I have started medication. It seems that I eat more than usual, and I cannot help to stop eating.

 

I have been thinking about all sorts of things (as always), some little thing or nothing triggered me to think about all these. One day, I was thinking what it mean to be gay and of course I have no idea. Then I started to think about what I really expect and want from a guy and I have no idea either. I just know that I love seeing eye candies and some nice stuff and that's all....

 

About this classmate, I found him cuter than before and it is probably because I haven't seen him for a few days. After class and on our way to the cafteria, he saw this sophomore girl and he said that girl is probably one of the cutest in our major, and he wished he could have girl like her to be his girlfriend. This made me think he maybe straight afterall.

 

 

Long weekend in Hong Kong

I had a pretty good weekend in Hong Kong because I was able to have fast internet, looking at random eye candies on the street, and doing something that I have missed. You have to believe me, random eye candies are the best thing. It's available everywhere and most of them just wore simple clothes but they are so damn hot!

 

Some of my friends have put something like "I don't mind fooling around with Mr. Wrong before I find Mr. Right." What do you guys think?

Singals....Being silly...gaydar

I was not in mood for blogging in the last few days. I decided to do nothing and just to relax a little bit.

 

I have been keeping a pretty close distance to my classmate, like sitting next to each other during lectures, listening to him practicing piano, and calling him for nothing. Someone had suggested that I should probably test him in a naughty/ clear way but I don't want to. Because I want to be friend with him and I don't want to ruin all of these.

 

There are a few things I haven't realized until I was chatting with someone who reads my blog. "The classmate" has actually done a few things that brought out some suspicion. For example, two weeks ago when we were at this little Easter group trip, I didn't lock the bathroom door and had shower. He came in without knocking and claimed that he need to grab something. It is actually weird because a normal person would have knocked before getting in. Also, he sometimes makes jokes about me or making comments on some tiny things of mine, such as hair. It could be interpreted as he is noticing me in some way I guess?

 

Anyway, I went to his piano practice and we were alone. He was practicing a music piece for next week's concert. I was listening most of the time until he started to practice on a certain part of the music. I grabbed a book from my bag and started to read. I stopped once a while and looked at him and I realized that he would also look at me while he was playing the piano.

 

After almost two hours of practice, he decided to go back to the dorm and of course we walked to the dorm together, since we live in the same building. I asked him if he had found someone or looking for anyone specific and he said no. Then I asked "Are you looking for a guy then?" He was kind of quite and then I said I wasn't joking and I think it is fine to be gay. He stayed quite and after a few seconds, he said that he doesn't think homosexual is "something right".

 

My gaydar just sucks……. I wish I can tell if he is gay or not.

Signals...That Classmate

It is quite funny that I have never given that classmate a name in this blog. I guess I will just go with "this/that classmate" from now on until I think it is necessary to give him a name.

 

I am getting confused with this classmate because I am not sure if there is really some hidden message in his words or it was just all my imagination. This is not only happen on this classmate but everything I have listened from others, I tend to interpret it in another way or suggest that there is some hidden meaning in it.

 

It could also be true on the other hand. I sounds like I am the only on hidding but of course there is some other folks here who are also hidding.

 

Anyway, a few more things to add here about him

 

1/ We happened to share a room at the trip last weekend.

 

2/ I did something similar to what Chucky had said, I did mentioned my back is kind of sore and asked if he also felt the same. But I didn't say anything about exchanging massage.

 

3/ We went to the hot spring together.

 

4/ He didn't unlock the bathroom door while he was taking shower and I didn't lock the bathroom door. He came in the bathroom without knocking the door and said that he was looking for something, but I suspect that he saw me doing "something else" in the mirror.

 

5/ We went to karaoke with some other classmates during the trip. We played some game and for the one who lose, they have to choose between telling the truth or doing something like a little adventure. I lost and he suggested that the little adventure I have to do is go outside the karaoke and yell out "I'm gay". This is the 2nd time he asked me to do this.

 

 

Signals.....Friends.....Depression

Nothing special about yesterday and today except I had some sudden depression and it kind of ruinned my day. I cannot stop myself from thinking the bad side and I felt bad.

 

Friends, something I would say I don't really have but actually have. (this sounds kind of weird but this is the way I would describe for now)

 

I feel kind of lonely/alone/"alonely" all the time and I realized that I don't really have a friend in college that I can talk about everything. Even I can talk to someone I know about everything, something stopped me from saying how I feel..........

 

I guess my brain sometimes send me depress signals and I will do everything that is corresponding to this signal.

 

 

 

During Easter Holiday

1/ My medication seems to work now. Except I have a small depression a few hours ago.

 

2/ I want a long holiday

 

3/ I realized that I eat a lot recently.

 

4/ One of my roommate played a "video" on his laptop and I just want to make a few comments on this. It is something that strengthens your believe. Seriously, from what I saw from that video, not everyone is gifted to giving good heads. Also, I am more sure about something else.

 

 

Signal....Mother

It is interesting that how I use the word "signal' for the last few posts in my blog and it is true that everything we see, hear, touch could be some sort of signal.

 

Yesterday I had dinner with my mom at a Chinese restaurant. There were some waitress and they are quite young. The one that served the two of us was obviously not much older than me and when my mom asked for the check, she asked the waitress about her age. This is not the first time she asked waitresses about their age, and she tend to ask them everytime when I was there. I guess my mom noticed that I do not look at young waitresses in restaurant, nor any girls on the street.

Signals....Coming Out

Two years ago around this time (to be more accurate, it was March 31, 2007 ), I came out to Chucky and my life is different because I started to know more (recognise) about who I am. It was quite hard to come out to him even though I know he is gay. Sometimes it is hard to say those words out but as I mentioned something similar and more. I guess he already knew what I am going to say. In fact he once told me that he had the feelings that I might be gay before I came out to him. (his gaydar surely works, mine sucks) I guess he probably caught me looking at those cute waiters at different restaurant and so on....

 

I am glad that I did came out to certain people because I no longer feel fear and have someone actually supporting me. Now in college, only one friend of mine know that I am gay and he seems to be quite supportive, I am also glad that I finally told him about this because we had been friends for years. 

 

Last but not least, I would never know who I am if I never met Chucky and Brent Hartinger. (not if I have read his book "Geography Club")