1st Anniversary

Happy Belated Birthday to this blog. I don't even remember that lol

wow, that's a year! a frickin' hard year!

What friends are for?

I have to admit that I was/am being a emo kid and I am trying not to be one anymore. This is obviously one of the reason why people tend to be distance from me. As I try really hard, I found out what a worst person I could be, but I am not talking about this today.

As you can see from above, I named this post " what friends are for? " , and you probably know about how friendless I am. Partly because of being only child I guess?

As I think about it deeper and deeper, I had never been totally a jerk to people around me and I wear a mask in front of people. What people can see is how nice and polite I am, and also seeing me pretend being happy. I don't know why I had been doing this for years.

This is still not what I want to talk, I have been thinking why I don't have any friends to hang out with, even they don't know the mask thing.

Here's the story, I have some "friends" that I would talk to once a while and trying to hang out with them. They are mostly my classmates back in secondary school (grade 11) and we keep in touch after we left school. There's a few of them that I talk to quite often, we mainly talk in msn and also in phone, we talk about many things, mostly daily life.

As we talk more online or in phone, they will then talk about their problems, for example, they had just borken up with a girlfriend, family problem, health problem and maybe money problem too. I was always the one to listen and help them out.

Oh, talking about the helping out thing, I did that a lot for them since we were in the same class. It turned out that they asked me for help everytime they need help.

I am fine with listening to their problems and make them feel better and also helping them out, but here my problem:

Everytime I am having troubles or problems, they rarely listen.

Everytime I want to hang out with them, they made many reasons.

I am tired of this, I am not asking for them paying me anything back, but if we are friends, I wish I will have someone to talk to and to support me just like what friends do.
It sounds like the reason I am in their life is just to solve their problems and a human made record machine.

Seriously V

Today I thought it will be another good day but the truth is it's totally not. I am probably having the worst years in my life. Yes, I am having these emotion thing again and I feel really really bad...

I am very irritated by everything lately. As mentioned a few hours earlier, only a few words can make me depressed or angry.

This is really bad, I want to leave and don't know where to go. I wanna find a few friends to hang out with but no one I can look for.....

I haven't been thinking of this for a long while but now I am thinking maybe I do want to leave.....no home, but the world...

Seriously IV

Seriously, I think I have a big problem here. I have been thinking why I am having these emotional things a lot and I still can't figure it out, it sounds like it's getting more often.

I can be mad at just a little thing and then being pissed for the whole day and I can also be depressed by just something people said and then feeling really really bad. That happened sometimes in the past, and it's getting more frequently.

For example, yesterday morning I was getting newspaper at the store and then I asked for something else. The shop keeper then said something in a cranky way and I was totally pissed.

I have been in quite a ba health condition actually. Haven't been able to sleep well and then wake up in early morning. Then I feel really really sleepy around noon and then can't take a nap.

I wish to talk to someone and everytime I talked to some of my friends, I never talk about the problems I have. I only listen to their problems and I never talk about how much I suffer or what to face. One of the reasons is I do keep too many things inside and I am very very insecure.
Even when I saw my therapy, I want to tell him/her what I have problems with and then I end up not mentioning a word about it.

One of my friend maybe right, he hate to listen to what I have to say about my life. This might be a reason why I don't have many friends to hang out with. The second one will be the insecure thing, I push people of when people started to talk or getting to know me. I had always done something that made distance between people and I.

____________________________________

I was thinking that I should probably see a therapy again and try to OPEN UP and tell him/her what I think even my thoughts and feelings can be totally selfish. Unfortunately, I won't be able to since I am still financially supported by my mother (I am trying to get my coward father away from my life, even still live in the same apartment) and my mother will never let me see a therapy since last time was a big disaster and she has prejudice on therapy and medication.

Then what can I do????

Seriously III

Well, I think I have started to make this like a novel and I have no intention doing this. Anyway, back to the theme.

I do feel better today as I have mentioned this morning. Here's what I had done:

1/ Having a brunch with my grandparents and my cousin (the one who study in New Zealand)

2/ Bringing my cousin to the airport, he has a flight back to New Zealand today.

3/ Wondering around at the airport, checking hot guys there. I did found a few hot guys, one of them is the airport police, they have different uniform and this police I found really really look like an actor from porn LOL

4/ I also check on books and magazine at the bookstore in the airport terminal. There's a few gay magazine and I wish I could buy them except they are too expensive.

5/ I bought myself a few little Japanese toy (how childish) and I have fun buying them.

6/ I went to the supermarket and treat myself and wonderful dinner: a nice sandwich and salad. Also getting a few nice soda and drinks. Paid by the cash coupon I was given many many months ago.

7/ Seeing how food and stuffs are expensive at this supermarket and how people would spend most of their money ther, makes me feel like a 'Marxist' and start hating this "evil capitalism"

Totally exhausted now and My eyes are really dry now.... going to bed soon.

PS> Something about yesterday. I went to this porn store with my cousin and he was picking porn (special gift for his roommates) and I also look at those videos. I was totally turned off by them and I am gay for sure! Actually I helped picking one of the porn :P

Seriously II

Last night I was having such a bad emotional swing. I was triggered by some little thing from my family and then I suddenly cried. I have never done something like this before.

I am gazillion times better than last night. Still, I wish to get away from home.......

Seriously

I know how crazy I am and I know how emotional unstable I am and there's nothing I can really do to make it happen less. I have been trying so hard to make myself calm down and just to relax. In all these years, I have never found myself having any happiness and being good about anything.

There's too many things happened in my family and all these unwanted gossips and craps. I tried to not make myself gay while all my older cousin are dating someone and also pretend to be a good kid of my mom at all time (except a grumpy one). I am really tried of it and I just want to get the hell out of it.

Life isn't good at all in these years. I feel like tortured by some unknown thing and I am always stressed out. I have been thinking maybe I should leave my family and just go somewhere that no one can really check on me. Then I think about suicide and I feel so hurt. I don't want to die because there could be something nice waiting for me but then I found how useless and worthless I am. Maybe I am really tired of it.

Even I am going to college somewhere in Mainland China next month. I am not happy with it at all. It sounds like something fun but for sure I will suffer from another crap and put myself in somewhere humiliating and suffering. As mentioned a few months ago, my parents are getting divorce and they are not settled in anything. This is not really a big thing but then my father was persuaded by his mother to not giving a penny for my living and education. Which means my mom would have to pay for all of it and she/ we are having a really really really big financial problems here. I could work in theory, except I can't work and study at the same time.

Then I have a thought of not going to college. I mean it, I don't even care to go to college, I want the kind of real liberal study that I would read and learn whatever I like and not even affect by grades. Which sounds like what Benjamin Franklin and other great people one did. The problem is that the world only accepted who have graduate degree and without that damn paper you're nothing.

I am also hating myself for millions of thing. I can always do better but I am not doing anything. When I tried my best to do something, no one had ever given me any compliments or recognising it. When I want to do something that sounds working, no one is there to support me, or encourage me. This sounds childish but I never get anything spiritually since my childhood....

About my childhood, not the worst and not expecting it the best, but still there's too many thing happened. My parents worked all day and never have time to hang out with me. The only thing we did is just having maybe a day at a shopping mall or getting a meal at restaurants. It became something like daily life. That is probably why I have such a bad relationship with both of my parents, we never had any talk seriously and then I don't have anyone to talk to and I kept everything inside.

This is not the worst, believe me. I had done nothing and I had been teasing my classmates and even TEACHERS at school. Teachers, especially my class teacher back in 6th grade, always assumed I had done the wrong thing and I am always the one to blame. And why would I be sexually harrassed by a friend of my aunt? This is so unfair.

Being gay is not easy for me at all, I wish to be totally out but then I rather put myself into fear. I want to tell my family but then I rather pretend to be the good (geek) kid and hidding all the things. My mom looks liberal but then something I knew about her past proved that I can not come out to her. I came out to a friend and then he never talked to me. I have only a few friends....

I want to be in a crowd but then I rather alone. I want to be out of fear but then I gave myself a bigger cage. I want to be accepted but I never find a way to accept myself. See! I am totally a freak. I should just leave for somewhere else, but where?

Copy from Cal Queer & Asian

10 Reasons Why Gay Marriage is Wrong

01) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

02) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

03) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

04) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

05) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

06) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

07) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

08) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

09) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

Re-post this if you believe love makes a marriage. PostingID: 102351114

Random

Here's how I start my post when I haven't write for a long time:

I feel so horrible for not updating my blog and I have been busy lately.

This become something like a daily routine, maybe you can call this a daily masturbate style LOL

Anyway, I have been chatting with different people on msn and thank you so much for all these warm regards to my mother and she is doing well. She is now being taken care by my aunt and she don't need to cook for herself.

I am working on cleaning up my room and rearrange all the things in my room but it turn out I had made a huge mess in my room and it will take forever to have it done.

Today I was talking to someone on msn and I feel really sad. I have been quite emotional and iritative lately and then he said something like it's all my fault just want to have a gay friend and it means nothing. He said I was just being shallow to have a gay friend talking about guys. To be honest I do eager for a gay friend, not only just to talk about hot guys we found on the streets but also to support each other.

I hope he still read my blog and see this. I don't know why he is so pissed and then leave ignored me.

I can't sleep well in the past 10 days, I slept at at around 11pm and then I woke up at 6am, then I had a crazy headache after lunch. I wonder what is that mean and maybe I need to see a doctor.

Also, I am quite exhausted in the evening and then I want to sleep, but I just can't sleep. Sometimes I wish to have a nice back massage.

That's all for now.....

Crap!

I'm gonna make this quick:

My mom had her women trouble and then yesterday she had her surgery and now she is in pain and can't sleep and can't walk, it just hurt to see her suffering from all these.

I am busy all day and hope to write something in deep thought soon.

Peace,
Jon

The worst thing ever!!!

I was about to sleep but then my mom called, she was asking me to meet her at the ground floor of the appartment building. I knew that she was in Hong Kong today for a doctor's appointment and I thought she left already. She look totally bad and I can see that she had been crying for a while from her eyes.

This is the worst part, she probably drank a lot tonight and then cried a lot too. When she saw me, she hold me really tight and then cried, I think she has the cancer thing, the one only women have, and it might be the bad tumor. That means she is going to have operation and even chemo therapy, I know nothing about this but this really freak me out.

The health condition of my mom is really bad and she had been sick all the time for years. She pretend she looks great and fine but the fact is she had collapse in the street once without telling people but then another day she was drunk and called me and tell me all these.

It was hurting me to see her crying and being sad and I wish I know I can do something.

My life is indeed pathetic....

Are you alright? ..... Do you have someone to hug and kiss you?

Emm... I don't know if anyone of you here do watch the FOX TV show HOUSE, it's one of my favorites and I always love to read the scripts and also knowing those deep meaning of every dialogs. If you remember, the song "Are you alright?" was on the show once. Anyway, I am not talking about HOUSE.

I want to talk about boyfriend, it sounds like this is the first time I talk about this issue seriously.

As everyone do, I always want a boyfriend and I know I should not be hurrying for it. Many nice people here who read my blog had been telling me that I should use gaydar.co.uk or some other stuffs or trying to lose weight etc. etc. etc...... These are all good idea, but it's not as easy as we thought.

The Gay Community in Hong Kong is crazy, gay guys here are always loom for someone with hot body, big dicks and nice face. It is kind of shallow, and pointless, but on the other hand it is true. We all want someone who look nice to be with and it can also satify our sexual needs.

For those who lives in big cities, they tend to consider how people dress and how people look as one important thing on making friends, and I have no comment for this right now. This is just something that happens everywhere, we all know how someone look is not the most important thing but we still try to judge people by how they look.

I am always happy to see lovely couples on the streets, no matter straight couple or gay couple. It was just great to see them have someone to hang out with and having a relationship, and I also envy of them. Talking about this, I have to mention Nike, the guy who write the blog "Loving An Angel", he is from Hong Kong to and he is currently living in Paris, he had a boyfriend called Angel and they are couples. It was cool to read everything from Nike's blog about his story with Angel and that makes me sort of girly (The romantic feelings?)

Some of you might know this from talking to me. I always feel so lonely and I wish to have someone to hang out with, maybe hug me, hold me, exactly like those lyrics from the song "Are you alright". Then I will say tons of things about how pathetic I am, and I don't know how to stop all these.... I had been hidding too much of eveything and one day I will collapse....

If Chuckie is talking to me right now, he is going to yell "Stop it" for sure. In fact, even if I try to stop, I just can't help my self thinking about all those craps again

Here's my thought, I know I am not a hottie nor someone really special, but I also deserve to be with someone. Maybe this person is appearing soon or it might appear 20 years later, but I will wait for it. I don't expect to have someone really hot, except my willy is saiding that having someone hot is awesome. I wish to maybe getting to know a few gay friends (as in person, not online), that I can feel totally free and talk about being gay.

Here's another thing, I always saying what I want and I never try to make all things work, this is why I am a loser.

PS> I am wondering why no one read my blog and not even leave some words here, and the MAIN reason is that I haven't put any cute picture for ages and then people started to forget me. If you still read this blog, why don't you e-mail me?

Jon is living in a mad world

Yes, I mean it. We all know this is a crazy world....

I had been really busy and it was totally insane. Here are the things I did lately:

1/ Cleaning up my place, it is still a huge mess and once I got it done, it is messy again.

2/ Clean up my bookshelf, I got too many books and I am trying to see what books should I keep and what books should I throw away or donate.

3/ Being my cousin's guardian. Yes, I am not kidding, since I am already 18, I can be a legal guardian. As for this, I just need to take care of her school paper work, she is going to Secondary school (similar to Middle School). I have to help her buy textbooks ( Can you believe that it cost about 370 US dollar for the entire set of textbooks for the next school year?) I have to help her getting school uniform, and I also have to give her extra works to improve her English and also other things. It is just crazy and I just do that to lessen her mom's burden.

4/ I have been looking at all the cute guys around the city. I just looked at everyone I think it's cute on the bus or in the streets or at the library and then I kept looking at them. Two days ago I saw a hot South Asian with their costumes, and then today I found this cute and nice 16-seat mini bus driver. You might say I am slutty but we are all humans!

5/ You know that I had left school for such a long time and it's time for me to apply school again, lots of craps....

6/ I have been worrying my mother a lot, she had some "women business" and I think it's not something good, she had been seeing doctor without telling me, but then my aunt told me all these.

7/ I don't have enough sleep and I have sore eyes and all sorts of stuffs. It might mean that I have some auto immune problems since I sweat a lot daily. I am seeking help from doctors and hopefully find a way to deal with it.

It's all for today and I really really want to write something interesting here, sometimes I will think of this blog and thinking what should I write about.

I would appreciate if you guys leave some comments or message me.

One more thing

During the brithday dinner of my grandmother yesterday night, my aunt was talking about how the white thing in a watermelon could be used as viagra, as you keep eating it. No wonder why watermelon is getting expensive LOL

I thought I would be pissed off.....

I thought I would be pissed off, and the fact was that I didn't. Yesterday was my grandmother's 80th birthday (father's mom) and I have been told to attend the dinner. According to the old history, my grandmother and all my aunts and uncles will bitching around and starting to humiliate me by talking about my mom and also throwing hints that my father is a coward. Which is something I usually piss me off and then I will start to get crazy, but this time, I was not pissed off.

The dinner was better than I thought, just a normal dinner with some laughter and also not-so-bad food. Except that the food is sort of salty and not enough for everyone. I hate these dinner thing but I just pretend being cool with it and just laugh when they said something funny.

My father's side of family had always been discriminating my mother for no reason. Just because she is a immigrant and they forgot there WERE actually immigrants to back to the 1950's (around the year of Chinese civil war, and you know more than 80% of Hong Kong Chinese are descendents of immigrants). They also thought that my mother will take all my dad's possesion and the truth is my dad is a poor guy and he got nothing expensive to take away from.

As I have told you, my parents are getting divorce and it's still a huge mess. They haven't agreed on quite a lot of thing yet. I have no comments on that and I knew what happened since I was young.

Actually they did humiliate my father in some sort of way yesterday night, try to make him like a waiter and serve everyone and made him like a labor, and this is what they usually do. Good thing is they didn't talk about my mother, and that's why I am not angry or whatever.

I don't really like this kind of dinner because there's no real connection of people nor real communication. It was just saying all sorts of words that to praise someone and actually mean nothing. I have been not willing to go to this kind of dinner for years. When I was 12, I got a fever on the night for my grandmother's birthday dinner and then I told them I feel so ill to get there and I were not going there, and then my grandmother pissed off and asked my uncle to drive to my home and pick me up, I got there afterwards and eat and then puke.................

There's also a reason I HAVE to go there. They (my father's family) have been saying that my mother teaches me how to piss them off or how to not respect them (eg. not attending to any family events), in fact I DID NOT FEEL LIKE GOING THERE, because THEY are TOTALLY INSANE. As for now, I will go once or twice and then will look pissed off when I got home. My grandmother is old and even she did something bad to my parents, I do respect her in different ways but I sort of hate her.

So many family history here.....

Let's talk about my health. The depression and psychosis thing is getting better and better and probably because I don't stay at home 24/7 and get the hang out with people. Except I am coughing and having an itching throat, I didn't see doctor this time but I saw the Chinese herbalist for some herbal tea and then I have to drink them only once a day. Here's another funny thing, I have been horny all day long and then being slutty on my msn with all the friends who read my blog, I try to figure out why and then I came out with one reason, the Chinese herbalist got me some herbal that is also use to turn someone up ;)

It's probably the longest post ever in this blog, hope you are not bored.......Jeremy Ryan of El Homo Blogo have this idea of putting some hotties between paragraphs, maybe I should do that too.

PS>I don't know what to put on the tittle so I decided to do it like those tittles of Emily Dickinson's poem :P

Quick Update

Let's keep it short. I feel good to be home except everything seems to be very expensive for me and I am trying to not buying anything unless it's necessary.

My home looks like hell and I spent the entire evening cleaning part of it and still have a lot to do.

I was good to chat with some new people and I wish to see them again soon.

Wooooooow, I feel good :P

I got home safely :) Yeah!!!!

More entries once I settle down.

Hottie

I was bored today and then I am online almost the entire morning and chat with people. A few days ago, I was chatting with a friend and he was planning to go to the gym. He said something like if there's a hot girl nearby he would probably work out more, then I told him that who knows what he would see next.

He had been single for a while so I was joking that he just to have a girlfriend, then I told him I always found some hotties. Here's the list of hotties I remember:

Dudes:

1/ A Cellist from Switzerland and I saw him somewhere and he is smoking hot.
2/ A waiter from Bob Evan's at Columbus, Ohio (somewhere near those inter-state), if I had heard of craiglist by that time, I would have put a post on missed connection and see if he was there.
3/ A salesman at a shoe store somewhere in New York, my friend was there to get a new shoes and she asked me to go with her. Then I saw this cutie, he is obviously a high school kid.

Chicks:

1/ A Chinese girl at the Sandwich store somewhere in Pennsylvania (Probably passed Philapdelphia already) , it was on the way back to the Midwest after a nice trip to New York City, and she is the beautiful Chinese girl I have ever seen so far.
2/ Blondies girl at the snooker place in Auckland, New Zealand. It was just a few months ago when I was in NZ, I went to the snooker place with some people and then I saw this girl. She was cute and then she was wearing some kind of clothes that make people keep looking at her boobs, and then she moves down to play snooker LOL

There's probably more of these kind of thing but these are those I can remember.

I am sure everyone had some kind of crush on some strangers or had some missed connections. I would love to hear some.

What Happens in Vegas... Stay in Vegas????

This is about the movie " What Happens in Vegas" and there will be some kinds of spoilers inside and if you haven't watched the movie or planning to watch it, don't scroll down

____________________________________________________________________

What Happens in Vegas is the latest movie I had watched and it's one of my favorites. I would give it 3.5 stars out of 5 because this movie means something even though it's a commercial comedy.

1/ It reveals the views of marriage, the judge had given an idea on marriage is a big thing and now people forget what marriage means. Somehow it gave a viewpoint on Gay marriage and defending we gay people.

[The judge makes a great point in the movie about how we don’t want gay people to get married in this country but it’s actually straight people who are screwg up the sanctity of marriage.]

2/ I feel like I am related to the character acted by Cameron Diaz (note: I don't think putting Cameron Diaz on the movie is a good idea, but this is Hollywood and they need star cast). I think I am also the kind of person who "makes plans to make plans" , and need to loosen up.

THEN I GOT A MILLION!!!!

3/ I sounds like the kind of partner I need is exactly like "Jack Fuller", kind of a messy straight guy....

4/ It also reveals something about Asians. Remember that "bitch" (Chong) at the stock brooker company? It tell us how aggresive Asian could be and it tell us how Asian are avoiding to give wrong signals to people and afterall they did.

[I need to explain more about it one day]

Quotes I like from the movie:

Joy McNally: The topping I wanted on my popcorn. I know the box said it's movie theater butter, but you guessed it. What I really want is sweaty Jack's balls flavour.
Jack Fuller: I'm just giving you what you want, baby.

(There's more but I can't find them all)

Interesting stuff

I found this today and I would like to share with you guys, go and have a look there, the jack off game was fun LOL

www.humplex.com